Metsblow 1/6 of the Season Report

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David Wright doing his best Kevin Ware impression.
David Wright doing his best Kevin Ware impression.

After about 1/6 of the season, the Mets are in 1st place! Wow, the view from the top is atrocious! Prepare for the long tumble down, everyone.

The offense looks like the offense we know and expected. The Mets didn’t do anything to fix it, other than move the fences in. We didn’t come close. Our “fix” was, “we swear Wright will be better this year, we got Cuddy, and we swear we’ll improve at SS!” David Wright is nowhere close to returning. He’s dead. Cuddy has METS disease, and if it’s not Flores in there making 2 errors/game, we are witness to the Great Ruben starting for 6 years now, which is essentially longer than Reyes’s tenure.

We should have traded both Reyes and Wright, and while we’re at it, the stadium should’ve been this way from the start. We’d probably have Jurickson and Addison and Kris and more, had we made moves. Maybe we’ll be singing a different tune when Wright comes back. But even if he comes back, he’s Mr. Glass at this point. As is Reyes, of course.

Good one, Mr. Cerrone!
Good one, Metsblog!

Johnny Monell got called up to be the primary left handed bat off the bench. Kirk is so fucking bad that we brought up a catcher to be a pinch hitter.

Meanwhile, the pitching deserves praise. The pen deserves praise. Familia has stepped up. Bighat has stepped up, and he’s a fashion icon. The bullpen has preserved a bunch of 1-0 losses, and that’s not easy. We could’ve lost 3-0 or even 10-0 but we didn’t. We hold on to those 1-0 shutout like champs! #Metsblow

Can Cuddy take some steroids or something? Can David? Can they all? Our pitchers probably are (Mejia!). Pass that shit around, boys. Stop hogging it all. And can we make a fucking trade? The Red Sox are desperate for pitching. “We don’t have a square to spare.” -Jeffy Wilpon. Get Pedroia! Blow it the fuck up! Trade Thor. Make the damn move. We’re so fucking boring at the plate. We don’t score. We couldn’t score with a drunk slut on prom night. We couldn’t score if we had a hot date with a babe…I lost my train of thought.

It’s time to make a trade. We have to make a trade. We need offense, or we will not be a good team. Are we just going to wait for Conforto to come up? Because by then, Harvey will be in pinstripes.

Has Jeff Wilpon Been Reached for Comment RE: Pedro?

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Jef Wilponamd-pedro-unhappy-jpg

First, check out this original post from May 2nd (click me!). 

Yesterday, Pedro reiterated this to Mike Francesca. Wilpon told him, “this is why we paid you,” and forced the injured star onto the field. Jeff and his greedy Jew father made a few thousand bucks extra on tickets that day, and ultimately cost themselves millions by hamstringing their chances at a title in 2006.

Has baby Jeffy been reached for comment? What’s happening here? As far as I’m concerned, Wilpon committed and arrest-able offense (as he frequently does). Can you imagine if you were at the doctor, and the doctor told you to stay home, and your boss said, “no, you have to come in.” That’s some sweatshop shit! #fuckthewilpons #firethewilpons

If you were thinking about buying a ticket to a Mets game, buy Pedro’s book instead.

The Team! The Time! The Mets!

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For all those douchebags that were saying, “we’re taking the city back!” 1) Fuck You. 2) The Yankees have a better record than us.

For all those douchebags that were saying, “our offense is finally clicking!” 1) Fuck You. 2) We have scored 11 runs in the past 7 games. We have scored zero runs in the past 18 innings (we lost both games 1-0). The game before that, we won 1-0 thanks to a heroic effort from our hero, Matt Harvey. Oh, wait, that game was actually 4-0 thanks to Werth falling down in left field. See, we can get insurance runs! It’s all good!

For all those douchebags that are saying, “Wright will be back soon! d’Arnaud, too!” 1) Fuck You. 2) Wright’s timetable has already been pushed back three times. And by timetable, I mean the blatant lie that we were told when he first went down. 3) d’Arnaud is d’Ead.

At least even the biggest Spring-hopeful-bandwagoner Mets fans recognized right away how much our middle infield fucking blows.

Mets Activate Johnny Monell But Don’t Send Recker Down

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"I'm sorry, I was lost in your eyes." -Sandy Alderson
“I’m sorry, I was lost in your eyes.” -Sandy Alderson

Handsome Anthony Recker dodged the guillotine once again. The Mets are bringing up catcher Johnny Monell, but will keep Recker and carry three catchers.

By the way, the Mets didn’t announce who they are sending down. This is likely due to Recker glamouring Collins and Alderson, leaving them flat-footed in their decision. Perhaps he glamoured the commish into allowing htem a 26-man roster.

How else can you explain the Mets keeping Recker up? I want you all to know that he has 1 hit this season. 1!!! And it wasn’t a hit. It wasn’t. Watch the replay. It was an error. I don’t care what the official scorekeeper said. It was an error. He has zero hits.

You could basically send any position player down (save for Lagares and Duda) and I wouldn’t blink.

The Area 51s Are Better Than the Mets

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Kinda looks like Mr. Met...
Kinda looks like Mr. Met…

The Mets are officially the plot of a second run, practically straight-to-youtube movie. In Major League 3: Back to the Minors, the Buzz (the Twins AAA team) are better than the Twins. Sound familiar?

The Area 51s are on a 10 game winning streak. This is mostly due to the team betting on themselves at the MGM Sportsbook–a great incentive.

With Thor and Matz pitching, could the Mets score any runs? With this lineup, I sincerely doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Reynolds and co. were able to scratch out a run and beat the Mets 1-0.

Trade Thor & Matz

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There, I said it. I know you can never have too much pitching, but we have to make a move.

When back to back 1-0 losses are predictable, a change has to be made. We need bats. We need hitting depth. 

Trade Gee, Niese, Thor, Wheeler…somebody! Make the fucking move and get Tulo. Do something, Maverick. Do something!  

Postblow: We Fucking Suck Dick

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If you told me we would lose back-to-back games 1-0 to the Nats, I would’ve said, “no fucking shit.”

We can’t hit. We, once again, thanks to the Wilpons being cheap douche Jewbags, have black holes in the lineup. We are fucking terrible. Metsblow. 

You can’t win if you don’t score runs. How are the Mets content to trot this lineup out there? I’ll tell you why. Because Jeff Wilpon is a baby bitch who kicks down sandcastles. He’s just a whiny, stinky pussy who is nothing more than a failure at everything he’s ever done. 

Preblow: Tejada is Starting Again

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Welp, it’s a walkout! Boycott! 

It took a month, but Tejada is back as a regular starter! I repeat: The Wilpons and Alderson have benched Flores (saying he needs a long breather) and are starting Ruben Tejada. The same Ruben Tejada that has been a black hole in the lineup for 6 (6!!) years. 

Fuck the Wilpons. They allowed this to happen. Fuck this team. The pitching has to throw zeroes or we lose. Metsblow.

Preblow: Gio and Ruben Both Blow

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Gio blows. We know, we know. Oh, oh. Too bad we don’t have Wright in the lineup. We’ll see how the lefties do against him.

Ruben blows. We know, we know. Oh, oh. Flores is getting the day off. The reasoning is that since Jon Niese induces a lot of ground balls (and a lot of home runs), Ruben is in the starting lineup to provide a defensive upgrade at SS, except that he doesn’t. Ruben Tejada is bad at everything. You look at him, look at this average, and go, “hmmm, well he must be able to field or something.” Nope. “Well, he must be fast or something.” Nope.

Niese is looking to bounce back from his nationally televised shitshow. C’mon Jon.