Today, Opening Day (!!), we will be greeted with one of the true must-see-TV events of the Spring. Not #HarveyDay, not Game of Thrones, but rather: Bartolo “Big Sexy” Colon will be batting.

Legitimate question: Could I do better than Colon against Scherzer? I predict I would be able to but the bat on the ball at least once. Foul tips count. Will Bartolo? Place your bets and place your bats!

P.S. It doesn’t matter what Colon does at the plate. If he’s the 15-game-winning, inning-eating horse he was last year, then we’re cooking.

P.P.S. I’ll still take this over the AL and the DH nonsense. Such nonsense. Stop hiding behind those phony numbers, AL!